None of us get to where we are by chance. No one see the tears and pains we go through to get what God has for us. If it wasn’t for the Lord on my side!!! The bible says we are to provoke each other to good works, encourage and carry each other burdens. I want to share with you what I went through so you can be encourages and get what God has for you.
I have come a long way and have a long ways to go. I am writing this to “keep it real” so there is no mistaking what God can do in your life. I am a testimony of God answering prayers.
Those lonely nights you have spent waiting are not in vain. The days you have spent hoping are not in vain. And even for the many days you wanted to give up thinking God will bring your mate to you. I am here to tell you to hold on!! God does answer prayers and has heard your cry. But the real question is. Are you whole and healed enough to receive what HE HAS FOR YOU?
The word of God is not a suggestion box, but a way of life and hope. We look at God words and want to take short cut to get prayers answer. We sleep with men we can’t stand. We hang out with brothers that only want a booty called and hope that will change their mind. Or we keep everyone and every man out of our live because we are afraid we will fall. We walk on water at times and know we will slip. We at time shut out the whole world and say “God is going to bring him to my door and I know he is sent from heaven with flowers”. But we never change who we are, we just wait for the miracle.
There has to be a balance in truth. So let start with my story…
I have been married for 27 years to my husband and best friend. He is amazing man. But before him I can tell you I went through many men that were not sent from God, but from you know where!. I allowed these men in my life. I learned through God to look at my choices, my motives, and myself. So let keep this real. We are all looking for love in the wrong places. I was not an exception. It would take many pages to explain what I went through so we will start with my first marriage.
I was in the military and met my first husband. I didn’t like him when I first met him, but I was lonely. He wore me down with kindness and promises me the world. He wine me, dine me, and I gave in. I married him and believe the world would be a better place.
I was saved, but backslidden and didn’t really know Jesus. I know of him from going to church as a child. I got baptized when I was in the third grade, but never received the Holy Spirit. It makes a difference in your life when you really know Jesus and are filled with his spirit. So many of us go to church, but never come to Jesus. I was walking around with religion and not relationship.
We got married and quickly and I got pregnant quickly. He had wined, dine and obtain me. And the reality set in. Within in months my marriage turned to horror. We both were making many mistakes. We could not communicate. He left on orders and it took months to find him. I was pregnant, hurt, and confused. I began to seek God more in those hard days. I even started back at to church where I experience God’s grace and mercy. He was somewhere down south. I got out of the military and headed home to Ohio. I had my son alone. I was single parent, but married.
I took my son when he was a month old to North Carolina to see his dad for the first time. That lasted 7 days and I came back to Ohio emotionally hurt. Things went very bad fast. My child hood fantasy of being married, owning a dream house, a husband, and “Barbie” lifestyle was shatter quickly. I was depressed and hurt. Over 3 years I went back and forth five times trying to make this marriage work. I was emotional abuse and destroyed inside. I keep drawing closer to God.
Save him lord?
I even prayed for him to get saved. One day after several months of not talking to him I called prophetically to North Carolina as he had just came in the door from church where he just gotten saved. I prayed FOR God to save him. He did. But he saved him for his purpose, not mine. I was shattered. He still wanted a divorce. I was hurt. After sitting many days at my parent house depression I had developed a ritual. I would pull down the shade, pull out my bible and start to cry. I hated my life. My world was dark and lonely. Jesus spoke to me and said it would take just as much time to get up and change my life then it would to sit and be depressed. I was raising my son a with my parent help. I got up and called and local college and went back to school. I would get a degree in year and half. I had 3 years of college already under my belt. I had to change my life. I had to live and not die.
In the meanwhile my ex husband had been engaged to several woman while married to me. On one trip I took to North Carolina he was engaged to a female minister in the church. He had just flown back from an engagement party where the met her parent and planned a wedding.
Meanwhile he called me and asks to come to North Carolina to work out our marriage. In his barrack there were pictures of this young girl all over the room. He told me she was just friend. I believed it. I wanted to believe in to make the fantasy I had about marriage a come alive. I met the young girl…. by accident! The pastor of his church invited us over to his house. He introduce me to her. He told her that I was his wife and that we were still married. He told her for that reason…he could not marry them.
This young girl sat on the bed in a bedroom in the house crying when she met me. She was shattered that he had did this to her. I was use to it by now. I held her and prayer with her. I encouraged her to forgive him and follow God’s will on her life to preach. I minister healing to her and showed her love.. I had to be the wife that had to follow God and not my broken heart. The gifts of God in my life were getting stronger and I began to walk more as prophetically in his name.
I spoke over her life and prayed for God’s hand to be with her. Even pass my own hurts; I had to love her through. We got through this and I still stayed with him. I still needed healing. The months to come were hard living in North Carolina. It got very bad. One day I was going to kill myself, but could not do it.
One night, out of hurt and pain, I had even pulled knife out of the drawer to hurt him. But what appeared to be an angel, a very bright light appeared in the corner of the room. It was a bright blinding light. He told me to put the knife back and trust God. I knew he would raise my son if I was in jail and I could not hurt my son that way.
I lost everything in the months that followed: my car, my artwork, my hair, my weight, and my dignity. Someday he would leave me at the apartment for 10 days on end. I got a job and had to walk 7 mile to work. I had gotten pregnant and had miscarriage due to loss of weight and walking at midnight home from work. When I got home he was their watching TV with his brother that move in. The car was parked outside. One night I hitched Hiked home. I got a ride from a stranger.
He would laugh at my plight. He didn’t believe me. He thought it was a joke. He left again for several days. I walked back from the hospital and bled for a week in the apartment passing the child. I was sad, but thankful. I knew God had delivered me by losing the child from more than I could deal with. That’s keeping it real yall.
While we were together we went to church. He carried his bible everywhere. He was to become a deacon. He preached to others, but at home I was emotionally abused. I was called ugly, homeless, and sexual abused.
I slept on the floor of the apartment in the living room when I was North Carolina. I was only allowed in the bedroom when he wanted me to be there. I stop wearing pants (holiness church belief). I wore only dresses. I cut my hair and began to be a Holy, but hurt women. God began to heal me. I hated him and would not forgive him but the Lord spoke to my heart and began to heal. He showed me that I needed to take responsibility for that fact I chose him. That was the last thing I wanted to hear. No matter what I went though I chose it. It began my healing. The hate went away and the forgiveness kicked in.
My son was not being treated right. One day I came home and he had a handprint on his face from my ex husband. I left within 24 hours with nothings. It is one thing if you hurt me… but I would not let him hurt an innocent child. I never went back. I took a Greyhound bus back to Ohio. Passing through Washington Dc I saw homeless people sleeping in the bus station. I felt homeless. I had no home. I had lost everything… except my faith in God.
I went back to school for 2 more semesters and started a new life in Ohio. It was the lowest part of life. I believe I chose to be with this man. I did it to myself. It came from my past that I didn’t resolve before I got married. All the pain over the years made me settles for less that God’s best. I had to heal and take Jesus at his word. I realize that God love me just as I am. I found true love. That God’s love is powerful, faithful, and mighty enough to restore me. I learned that no man could ever love me as Jesus did. I turned more to my faith, to Jesus, and to God’s word. I wanted to be married one day, but God’s way. I chose my way and asked God to just bless my mistakes to be a hope for someone else. I prayed for change.
I had a call during summer semester before graduating that fall from the military CID office. They were doing an investigation for my ex husband. He had married another young girl while in the military while still married to me. I was the first wife and my marriage was legal. The second married had to be annulled and he was under charges for bigamy. It did not hit me until I was sitting in a Spanish class. I was trying to answer a question in Spanish and start crying and could not stop. I had to go out to my car and sit and cry.
My teacher came out and made sure I was okay. There was a healing in telling someone what I had been through. I was able to see myself the mess I was in clear. I divorce him several months later when God told me I could “come out now”. I graduated from college a month later. I graduated from college and had a job waiting. I was raising my son, going to church, and falling in love with Jesus. I talk to my ex husband a few times after we divorce. We were friends still. Sometimes you need to just stay friends with people. We made great friends, but were horrible at being a husband and wife. We are still friends when we do talk. It has been years since I have heard from him.
The hatred and pain was gone. But I vowed I would never marry or dated again. There was more healing for God to do in my heart. God does not heal us too quickly. He gives us time to take in each set of healing. I was still on a journey to be healed by Jesus.
Three more years had passed and I was raising my son with the help of my mom and dad. He was six years old. I met my now mother-in-law and didn’t know it. I raised money through a Christian Play I wrote and produced for a prison house she was director over. I connected with her. She talked about her son allot. I even gave her job information for him to look at. I never knew her son. I had never met him.
I met my husband through a blind date from a brother at the church. I found out later his mom was the director at the prison house I had been working with. I had been helping all along before he was my husband. The prophetic path had been set for the forming of a new family. I lost all communication with my ex husband for a while. I never pursued him for child support. I trusted God. I had forgiven him. I forgave myself first. I could not be mad at him because we both made a mistake. It takes two.
I knew I would be all right I relocated back to Colorado and then back to Ohio within a year’s time. Back in Ohio I was still hurting and God was still speaking to me about looking at the choices I made and began healing my heart even more. I would choose better this time. I would wait on God’s choice.
I was healed enough to even believe for a “next “time. My husband Ramon was sent back to Ohio a second time after we met also. We met in the library the second time. He was sent back from Pennsylvania the same time I came back to Ohio from Colorado the same month. God brought us both back to Ohio to meet. It was a divine appointment, but brief. A second chance.
We would meet again several months later. We met months later. He chose another young girl to be with other than me the second time. It was not the right time, but I knew he was the one. I didn’t try to make it happen. I trusted God to fulfill his work in my life.
It is up to God to fulfill his prophecy in my life. I just receive his will by faith. We need to stop trying to make prophecy come to pass and leave it in God’s hands. Things get real messy when you do that! God fulfilled his word and he gets all the glory!
Before meeting Ramon a third time I spent every night in my living room praying for God to break me and heal me. Brokenness is a real part of being a Christian. We don’t preach about suffering or brokenness any more but it is pruning to get God’s will done in our lives.
I poured out of my heart the pass pains and hurt before the throne of God. One night I experienced the view from the cross the Jesus had and wept at the truth of what he did for me and how I had lived!! I saw the faces of those who scorned him at the cross in a vision. He knows our pain!! I didn’t want to take the entire set luggage I had into another marriage when I got married again. I did not lose hope on God’s word. I believed God at his word. I did not let what one man did determine my future. I did not let one man pains caused me to miss God blessings. I did not let my past control my future in Christ.
I believed for love. I believed for the best in love because I had God’s love more than ever in my life. I was preaching and teaching in prison, facility, churches in Ohio. I saw God’s power move, healing, and people come to Christ by the hundred. I knew Jesus was real and nothings were too big for him. I believed.
Ramon came back into my life and we got engaged within 5 days of meeting the third time. He was not saved, but backslidden. He was in the occult. I had studied the occult before getting saved so I understood. I was able to give him grace and mercy as I had received. I was not looking for a “Christian mate “. I had that before. I learned to look at a man’s heart! Does he love God? Does he know Jesus? It doesn’t matter if he goes to church if he not living in his heart to be the church.
I was not troubled by his occult experience because I knew God’s love and understood God’s power. God can save anyone. He saved me! Ramon came to Christ a few months before we got married. He became the only father my son knew. God kept us pure from sexual sin. We never had sex before we married. I had learned to wait on God and stand by that. It was hard. But it was God. My husband was virgin when I met him. I was the whore on the auction block spoken about in Hosea. But God knew what he was doing. I was made pure again through prayer. My hope was changed in to power. We have been married for 27 years. We have been through a lot as a couple. We grow every day more in love. Our love grows every day still. He is my best friend.
We have raised two amazing kids together in the last 27 years. Our son has traveled the world dancing for major artists: Beyonce, Chris Brown, Wayne Brady, Mary J Bilge, to name a few. He has been on TV and in movies. He has performed with countless people. The Lord had given us a prophetic word when he was crippled that he would dance all around the world. He gave a word for our daughter that she been in film and media. He was crippled with severe arthritis when he was nine. We were told he never walk again. We prayed and sought the Lord’s face. He was healed 100% when Jasmine was born. He has no trace of it. It was a miracle. He was on “So you think you can dance?” 2005 season one finalist. He is a success! He teaches dance. He is a choreographer. He is waiting on his wife with much prayer. We have a grandson who we love.
My daughter Jasmine is married and we love our new son in law John. She has graduated from College and working on a her Masters. She has worked with The Travel channel and Coke Cola in advertisement. She is a film/video maker, digital content, and graphic designer. She works for a major Advertising company. She is a success! We are proud of them both. Ramon adopted Jamile when he was ten years old so we did not have any “step children” issues in our home. He is his father. The spirit of adoption from God helped. He is the only and the best father Jamile has! Look at God!
So what did I learn? Take responsibility for your choices. Don’t blame the men you meet. Allow God to direct you and heal you. So many sisters are waiting to get married are carrying so much luggage. Every man they meet pays for the men that have been in their past. Let the love of Christ come in your life. Pray to be broken until nothing is left but Jesus in your life! I had prayed to be whole and had the courage to allow God to show me myself!!! I had to see the sin and pain I caused others. I could never hate my ex because I chose him! No matter what he did, God will judge him and love him. It was not for me to judge him. I was corrected by God for my offenses to him.
If I showed hatred for him, I Knew that I could not move forward. I could not be whole. I would have another bad marriage. I did not give up on love. I did not try to be a “Christian” to the men I met. I try to live it by being loving, accepting others at their state in life, give hope, and try to see the best in every one. I didn’t want to be bitter old black women that wanted to be married but men were afraid to even talk to. I wanted Jesus!
Look at your life: what are you holding on to? Who has hurt you? Who have you hurts? Does God’s have full right to your heart? Are you walking around unbroken? Are you expecting a man that is a TD Jakes type? Are you keeping it real with your pains? We have an image of the kind of men we want based upon lies. Find yourself in Christ first and you will attract the right men. You may have to go through some bad dates at first to see truth. I went through many bad dates while being healed. I stopped looking for Mr. Perfect and start looking for God’s will. I learned to have men as friends instead thinking even man I met was a candidate for marriage. You may have ready had allot of bad dates! But the change is in you. God promises are TRUE! But God is trying to make you whole. At this age in life we as women have a lot of hang ups that will run a man off. Keep it real. If you can’t love unconditional then… what kind of love will you give?
Many women that are single have no clue on the ungodly way they talk to men, their walk, and behavior that runs men off. It is not always them!
Let God’s do his workmanship in you at this stage of your life heal you. What do you have to lose? Let your time of waiting be your time of preparation. It did not take much back in the day to get a man through sex and games. Do you even know how to get a man without those tools? Do you know how to have a relationship without fear of your own sexuality? Do you know how to love? God ways! The problem is in the blaming we do and shame we walk in from the past. Some of us are still 20 years in the past tying to live in 2017. Come current and face yourself this year.
A man loves a woman with good heart, kind spirit and humble soul. A women loves a man with a good heart and that is godly. We are so ready to fight at times over nothing. It is not worth it. We as “Hurt” women walk around with war in our heart thinking nobody can see it. God does! It is in the word. He sees your heart! Look at yourself and be honest about what you are putting out. I learned that I needed a heart change and reality checked after my first marriage.
I attracted messed up men because I was messed up. I was unhealthy and needed to get whole to attract a man that was whole. My present husband and I had issues when we first met also. I still had issues. Neither one of us were whole. Our first five years of marriage. We were not acting godly in our marriage by letting God’s work take place in us. We had to learn to submit to God first. We had to learn to love Jesus more and our own will less. . He has had the wrong information about relationships as I did. I had to let God change him, not me. I loved him through it, as I wanted to be loved through my trials. I let him be who he was. Isn’t that being Christ?
We don’t argue about toothpaste and draws on the floor in our marriage. I married him for who he is. I did not marry him to change him. I married him so I could change to love God’s way. I did not save him for myself. I accepted him as he is. I learned to love and not have an agenda with men. Do you have an agenda?
The bottom line is that this year I believe many women will be getting married this year, but it means facing why you are not married. These excuses of there are no good men is a lie. I have heard brother say that there are no good women and I don’t believe that. That is a lie also. You are God’s best!!!
There are good men and women. But they can’t find each other because of blurred vision. Open your eye and really see yourself and you will see your mate. You will see love clearer. The fantasy will go away and hope will rise up. You will be able to love and accept a man as God does without an agenda that comes from hurt and pain. Take responsibility for getting healed.
Drag yourself to God presence and let the Holy Spirit begin the work in you that is long overdue. Learn to love and expect God to move. Get your faith back up!!!!
Believe and be prepared for the blessing. You are getting in place for the blessings in your heart first and it will manifest in your life. The blessing in your life is to be made whole, healed, and solid in your walk with God. This half-time Christen stuff in not working. Part time Christian will bring forth part-time results!!!! It time to press in and be healed by Christ’s love. I am not talking about church, but about being the church in your life!
Christ wants to heal you. He wants to blessed you with your heart desire. I have done conferences with women that have been molested, raped, broken, and abused. The answer never changes. You need an encounter with Jesus! And you can have that right in your living room. if you just cry out and trust him to handle your hurt, pains, and fears. This is not a formula, but God’s word.
When you allow him to fill you and have access to your heart, then change will began. You will see the world and your life different! This year may be your year for marriage. So don’t bring all this junk to your soon to be husband and expect him to just take it. Become the women that God wants you to be… this year! Be thou made whole and healed this year!. From someone who has been through a lot and has came through it … trouble don’t last always!
Won’t God do it!
I made through the other side and through Jesus I found love in him and on this earth, the love of life. I found my soul mate! But it all started with me trusting God’s healing. He took God keeping me healed to have the relationship he wanted me to have. If He gave you your mate today… You might run him off and then blame him or God. A whole woman will attract a whole man. It not about being perfect, it is about being whole, open to the Holy Spirit, and prayer!
If you just trust God this year and don’t take any more baggage with you into your destiny….your destiny will change.
And one last thing… the husband that God has for you is waiting for you to get whole and get healed so he can have God’s best in you. So what are you waiting for? Pray tonight in your prayer closest for God to touch you and make your whole. Watch and see God move! Love you Sistahs!