But I Can’t Find a Man
Alisja Story: It is Sunday Morning. Alisja gets up and prepares for church. It has been a long week of dealing with people and putting out fires. As she lies in the bed, she thinks about the loneliness of last night. With a glance out of the window at the gray sky, she turns her head over to the empty side of her bed. Her mind thinks back about all the men who have lain next to her. She thinks about the ones that got away. The ones that never stayed, and the ones that never called back. Then she remembered that there are men at church. After an hour of Sunday morning beauty rituals, she checks herself in the mirror one more time. The dress is sexy but not too sexy. Her ‘girls’ are showing but not too much. Her hips fit tight but she can still bend over. Her hair falls just right in the hat, but leaves a little curiosity about whether it is real hair or fake. Everything looks good. Time to go. She slips into her 4” heels and wiggles her feet in the stepping red leather. Ain’t nothing wrong with some red shoes on Sunday. The game plan is set. She will go to church greet, meet, and check out the new men that may come this Sunday.
As she drives off to church, she quickly pulls out the Saturday night funk CD and slips in her gospel music. Nothing like some ‘Help Me Jesus’ songs to start the day. She needs Jesus to do something to break this dry spell of men in her life. She is independent and strong. She is smart and well educated. However, she is alone. She begins to think to herself “It would sure be nice to have a good, godly encounter today with a ‘man of God.”
Maybe a visiting single pastor or a brother who just got back with God. Shoot! Even a ‘prison brother’ if he got some sense might even do. She would agree to help this ‘brother from the other side of the tracks’, if he asked for her number and just played it cool. While driving she thinks about the other competition in the church. Some of the other women in the church seem just as anxious for a man as she does. However, she knows how to keep hers on lock down. Not like the other sistahs who throw their flesh in the men’s faces. She isn’t going out like that.
She arrives at church and parks her car. On the way in, she scouts the land. No new men yet, in the flow of Christian traffic heading to the door. Then she sees one young brother. That’s the son of a friend who came back from college. Then she reminds herself that she is in her thirties stepping to 40 and she is not a cougar. At least not yet.
As she passes through the door, the greeter shakes her hand. She tried very hard to avoid Deacon Watson. Every woman who is single tries to avoid Deacon Watson. He is just as needy as they are but uses his greeting position for free time with women. She tries to walk past him but he grabs her hand and won’t let go. He pulls her in for a wet kiss on the neck and cheek. This man is 80 and close to calling heaven for a ride. And yet he still walks in ‘Greeter’s Lust’.
She shakes off the encounter and wipes off the wet old man’s medicine sloppy kiss from every body part she can find. As she walks down the aisle for a seat, she glances in the choir and checks for ‘new’ voices. No new men there. She looks over at the back of the church where all the new members like to sit. She spots a few brothers there. One of them is wearing heels just like her. The other two are checking out the men in the heels. Then she sees a new brother standing towards the front of the church and looking around. She is encouraged and maps out a way to get to him. If she crosses the center aisle and then heads down front, she can cut off any other sisters heading down his way. Before she can make her move, the pastor steps to the Mic and begins a call to prayer. She looks at the new brother one more time and then notices that two other sistahs have beat her down to the front. They have grabbed his hand for ‘prayer’. This one got away too. She bows down her head. Sadness overtakes her face. She pushes in a few rolls on the mid-section of her dress. She stares at the ground. “Lord I go to church every Sunday but I can’t find a man.”This scene is played out every Sunday.
I know it very well because I lived if for many years before getting married. The atmosphere for singles in the church is quite sad. I have talked to many sisters who are just searching and wanting a good man. This book is written for you.There are no magic tricks or promises that I can give you to get what God has for you. But I can encourage your faith and prayer life for God to change your dating situation. I decided to write this book for all the sisters who are in their late 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s. In this stage of life, it is even harder to find a mate. If you have been waiting for a mate and you are in your 30s you begin to panic about having kids and family. If you are in your 40s and are still waiting many of the men you meet may already have kids, when you are thinking more about a companion for the second half of your life. If you are in your 50s, you are thinking about dealing with his kids and retiring with someone you can enjoy the best years with. If you are in your 60s you are wanting someone, to finish out with, someone who has your back when it comes to health, retiring, and doing God’s will.
We are living in the last days and I say that not to predict anything but based upon the times. We are living in times when men’s hearts and women’s hearts are cold. Love is a dying art. People are crueler and meaner than ever before to each other. Even in the church where you would hope to find that connection, there is loneliness. Many times the church uses singles to maintain programs, but does not encourage wholeness. The singles ministry for older adults does not exist in many churches. They too often cater to young adults who have time on their side instead of mature saints who need that connection. Your options are slimmed down to online dating, friends, and visiting new churches for new encounters. After you are worn out, bitter and disappointed and there is no hope left; what you do? I hope to encourage you in this book in several ways:
Getting healed from the past and disappointments
Activating God’s will in your life towards a mate
Open and honest talk about your desires and God’s will
Revival of the woman in you who got lost in the storms of life
I am not an expert or a psychologist. I have been married for 20 years to my best friend and husband Ramon. I have watched so many sisters I know hurt and wonder when God will answer their prayers. I believe God is faithful in answering our prayers. He is God all by himself. I hope to provoke you in your prayers to ask God and seek his face for real answers and solutions to your own dating crisis instead of blaming men or those around you. That is not to say there are not problems with men in the church, but to acknowledge that the only way to victory in all things is Jesus Christ.
We need to stir up Jesus and not tradition, old wives tales, or religion. I hope to provoke you to seek the word of God for answers and a real reality check on your life. In addition, to encourage you as to what God is doing, and the good things God has promised you.
For many years when we have counseled couples and individuals about the problems in their lives, we deal with the person in front of us. We never address the person who is not in front of us. We address t the person we are talking to at that day and time. So this book is not written to slam men or hate on men. It is written to address the person who is reading it to examine your own heart. Seek God for yourself. This is not to say you have not done this, but keep trying and persevere. You are the answer through Christ Jesus for your problem. I believe He will strengthen you to keep trying. Be encouraged in the process. If it doesn’t work the first time then keep working at it. Sometimes you need to get refreshed and try again. God will strengthen you with his power and guide you.
You will find prayers in this book along the way to help you get a good breakthrough on some of the issues that may be blocking your blessing. Also, I want to note that this is not about slamming the church. It is about being the church in the world and finding your mate. I hope to move you from just seeing the church as a place for men, to being the church as God has called you as a woman of God. When you are being the church while you are dating, the principles of God become alive in your life. The word of God can become alive even more as you go through the process of finding and praying for the mate God has for you. Process is part of life. It is hard but true. I have learned to go through the storms in life instead of avoiding them or just praying them off. In all the battles, I have had to face, I hold on to God’s unchanging hands. He walks me through the hard places in life. We all must learn not to avoid the process, even of dating, to get to the right person. You must go through the process God has for you!